Yesterday was exactly three months ago to the day from when I watched my mother pass away from secondary breast cancer.
To be honest, I haven’t dealt with it at all. I end up in tears whenever I think of Mum. I haven’t contacted her partner or Mum’s cousin (she was like Mum’s sister, as Mum was an only child) as it is just too hard to deal with or think about. It is just easier to bury myself in my own life with the kids, my partner, work and the house etc than to think about or deal with it.
Early November, I had organised to go down to Mum’s and her partner’s house (5 hours away) to sort out Mum’s belongings, other than the boys having a virus at the time, I couldn’t bring myself to go down anyway. It was just too upsetting and I couldn’t do it. I feel terrible about leaving my brothers to do it but I just couldn’t. I’d been there the numerous times Mum was in hospital. I was the one who regularly called her and visited when we could (which, to be honest, wasn’t easy when she lived so far away and I had to juggle the three boys and work commitments) but the thought of going to her house and Mum not being there was just too much. I literally had an anxiety attack every time I thought about it and couldn’t bring myself to go there.
I feel guilty that I wasn’t there more than I was or could have been. Family and friends keep telling me that the main thing was she knew we loved her and was there for her at the end but I still feel guilty for not being there the last few years more.
I guess I am overly feeling it at the moment because it is close to Christmas and Mum always made a big deal out of it. She loved Christmas. She had so many decorations, table cloths, Santa nut bowls, Christmas centre pieces etc. Mum had a huge bag of Christmas cards and wrapping paper she had left over from previous years but always bought new ones every year because ‘they were nicer!’.
We always had a huge traditional Christmas lunch and Christmas pudding. Dinner would be left overs with Mums famous trifle for dessert. It’s going to be hard this year without her.
I know it takes time to get over but can’t the tears and heartbreak go away now? Please!
I don’t want pity or advice from this post, I just needed to get this out and ‘voice’ how I was feeling.